Sometimes I'm serious.
“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”
SCENE 1: OPEN ON: GRIZZ WATCHING A BEAR TUBE VIDEO ON HIS COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM IN HIS CAVE. THE BEAR TUBE VIDEO APPEARS ON SCREEN AFTER AN ESTABLISHING SHOT.
COMEDIAN BEAR
And what’s the deal with no bears in politics?
GRIZZ LAUGHS.
GRIZZ
I know right.
COMEDIAN BEAR
And why aren’t there any bear Popes?
GRIZZ LAUGHS LOUDLY.
GRIZZ
That bear is so right. And so funny.
GRIZZ PAUSES THE VIDEO. COMEDIAN BEAR IS MAKING A FUNNY FACE.
GRIZZ
Hmm. Panda is usually right. Ice Bear is hilarious. I’m always right and always funny.
GRIZZ STANDS OUT OF HIS CHAIR. A BRIGHT LIGHT BULB APPEARS ABOVE HIS HEAD.
GRIZZ
We should be rich and famous comedy bears! Guys!
GRIZZ ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AREA. PANDA IS FAILING TO SOLVE A RUBIX CUBE. ICE BEAR IS DESIGNING AN INTRICATE BIRDHOUSE.
GRIZZ
Guys I just had a great idea. We’re going to be rich and famous comedians.
PANDA
We are?
GRIZZ
Yep.
PANDA
How?
GRIZZ
I don’t know. Maybe we could find a place where people or bears do comedy and stuff?
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear likes comedy. Ice Bear likes some stuff.
GRIZZ
That’s why we should be stars.
PANDA
I don’t know if I could do that.
GRIZZ
Sure you can. You’ll be with me and Ice Bear. What could go wrong?
ICE BEAR
Lots could go wrong.
GRIZZ
Name one thing.
PANDA
Ice Bear has never done comedy.
GRIZZ
So?
PANDA
I have never done comedy.
GRIZZ
No problem.
PANDA POINTS AT GRIZZ
PANDA
You have never done comedy.
GRIZZ
You’re focusing on the wrong thing,
PANDA
I’m nervous just thinking about it. You sure you want to do this Grizz?
GRIZZ
I’ve never been as sure about anything.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear is sure about birdhouses.
ICE BEAR NODS AT HIS INTRICATE BIRD HOUSE.
GRIZZ
Sure, it’s a great bird house. Now how about we build a bird house out of jokes?
PANDA
I’ll do it if Ice Bear does.
GRIZZ DROP TO HIS KNEES AND BEGS.
GRIZZ
Please Ice Bear? Please?
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear admires your passion.
GRIZZ
Yes! We’re in.
CUT TO: ONE HOUR LATER
GRIZZ
Okay, I found 3 places within walking distance that offer bear themed comedy tonight.
PANDA (nervous)
Tonight?
GRIZZ
The sooner the better. There’s Bear night at Ha Ha Ha.
PANDA
I heard that place is for amateurs.
GRIZZ
Wow. Their website claims it is the best bear themed comedy night in town. Who lies about that?
ICE BEAR
They do.
PANDA
Oh well. Maybe we should call the whole thing off?
GRIZZ
No way. There’s the animal hospital comedy fundraiser.
PANDA
I couldn’t take that kind of pressure.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear thinks we can do better.
GRIZZ
Fine. This is my top best pick anyway. Barely legal!
PANDA
I never heard of it.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear lacks knowledge of it.
GRIZZ
I read it’s a great time. People who work there get paid TONS.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear likes money.
PANDA
I’m still scared Grizz.
GRIZZ
That’s okay. That’s why we’re going to practice now. Then we’ll be like pros before tonight.
PANDA
That might not be enough time.
GRIZZ
Now or never. Since there’s 3 of us, maybe we should be like famous comedy trios?
PANDA
We should be original.
GRIZZ
Come on. Just give my idea a try.
PANDA
I’m willing to compromise.
GRIZZ
Great.
CUT TO GRIZZ, PANDA, AND ICE BEAR DRESSED LIKE THE 3 STOOGES.
PANDA (as Moe)
Why I ought to…
ICE BEAR (as Larry)
Ice Bear has no desire to assault you.
GRIZZ (as Curly)
Come on. We can’t be like The 3 Stooges without hitting each other.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear is better than that.
GRIZZ
Fine.
CUT TO GRIZZ, ICE BEAR, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE THE MARX BROTHERS
PANDA (as Chico)
That rich lady needs help.
GRIZZ (as Groucho)
I’ll say. Help that should cost her plenty.
ICE BEAR (as Harpo)
Ice Bear lacks comic expressiveness.
GRIZZ
Oh man. Let’s try something else.
CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE THE 3 AMIGOS
GRIZZ (yelling)
Ay yi yi!
PANDA (quieter)
Oh, ya, ya.
ICE BEAR
Loud expression.
GRIZZ
Cut. Ice Bear, you seem to have trouble with characters.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear likes Ice Bear.
GRIZZ
Right. But acting requires strong choices.
PANDA
Ice Bear doesn’t take notes.
GRIZZ
Really? It’s like that.
PANDA
Ice Bear has integrity.
GRIZZ
Okay. I’ll try to work with that. Let’s try the next thing.
CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE JERRY, GEORGE, AND KRAMER FROM SEINFELD
ICE BEAR (as Jerry)
And what’s the deal with the global economic crisis?
PANDA (as George)
I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
GRIZZ (as Kramer)
No soup or sandwich for you!
CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE ED HELMS, ZACH GALIFIANAKIS AND BRADLEY COOPER FROM THE HANGOVER.
PANDA (as Ed)
Oh man, I wish I had my missing tooth back.
GRIZZ (as Zach)
I’ll give you one of mine if you want.
ICE BEAR (as Bradley)
Crude insult.
GRIZZ
Crude insult? What is that?
PANDA
Ice Bear said this movie is one non-stop crude insult.
GRIZZ
But you don’t just say crude insult. You say something like your lack of effort in acting is ruining this entire experience for everyone.
PANDA
Hey. Don’t be mean. We’re trying Grizz. We’re just not as into this as you.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear will try harder.
CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE HARRY, LLOYD, AND MARY FROM DUMB AND DUMBER.
GRIZZ (as Lloyd)
Watch me light my gas on fire!
PANDA (as Harry)
That seems dangerous in real life.
ICE BEAR (as Mary)
Ice Bear finds playing a woman liberating.
CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA LOOKING TIRED ON THE GROUND.
PANDA
Who knew being funny could be hard?
GRIZZ
It’s tough, but we had some good stuff in there.
PANDA
I’m not ready to perform in front of others Grizz.
GRIZZ
What? I can’t believe I’m hearing this.
ICE BEAR AND PANDA STARE BLANKLEY AT GRIZZ.
GRIZZ
Well, I am ready. You two will be good when you see how good I am. Now who’s with me?
PANDA
Me, I guess.
ICE BEAR NODS.
GRIZZ
Awesome! Let’s go!
END SCENE.
“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”
SCENE2: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA WALK TO BARLEY LEGAL. THEY PASS NOTE CARDS TO EACH OTHER ON THE WALK. PANDA NOTICES THAT THE NEIGHBORHOOD THEY’RE WALKING IN HAS A LOT OF BOARDED UP WINDOWS AND TRASH ON THE GROUND.
PANDA
Hey guys, are you sure we should do this? This part of town looks, uh, bad.
ICE BEAR HOLDS A CAN OF “ATTACK REPELLENT.”
GRIZZ
You guys worry too much. We’re going to be great.
PANDA
Sometimes you don’t worry enough Grizz.
GRIZZ
Like it’s possible to worry too little.
PANDA
Okay…
END SCENE.
“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”
SCENE 3: CUT TO EXT. BARELY LEGAL. IT IS A STRIP CLUB.
PANDA
I don’t know Grizz. This doesn’t look like a comedy club to me.
GRIZZ
Don’t sweat it. I’m sure they’ll love us. Just play it cool.
ICE BEAR, PANDA, AND GRIZZ ENTER BARELY LEGAL.
GUY
All right fellas, that’s going to be 10 bucks for admission, and hopefully you have plenty more for the ladies.
GRIZZ
Oh no. We’re here to do comedy tonight.
GUY
Comedy? Huh. I bet crazy Frank made a bet with you?
GRIZZ
Yeah. That’s it. Crazy Frank wants us to do comedy tonight.
GUY
Well, there’s a first time for everything.
GUY OPENS A CURTAIN. THERE IS A SMALL STAGE. SEATED MAN SITS AT A TABLE BY THE STAGE.
PANDA
I don’t think I can do this Grizz.
GRIZZ
But this is perfect. We’re here. Just follow my lead.
GUY
All right. Ginger is the only girl here right now. She can go on with whoever’s on first.
GRIZZ
We’re a group. We all go on together.
GUY
No, that won’t work. I want to spread you
out.
GUY POINTS AT PANDA.
GUY
Why don’t you go first?
PANDA
Uh….
GRIZZ
He’s ready. Tell Ginger. Crowd’s light anyway. All right hero, you’re on.
GUY SHOVES PANDA ON THE STAGE. PANDA LOOKS WIDE EYED AND FRIGHTENED.
PANDA
Hey. Uh. I’m uh….
SEATED MAN TURNS AROUND FROM HIS SEAT AND LOOK AT PANDA.
PANDA
Oh no! I can’t stand this. Sorry Grizz!
PANDA RUNS OFF THE STAGE AND BEHIND A CURTAIN. SEATED MAN LOOKS CONFUSED. GRIZZ SPRINTS ON TO THE STAGE.
GRIZZ
Ha. That Panda is quite a guy. All part of the act. I’m Grizz. I am going to make you laugh so hard you’ll think you died and went to heaven.
SEATED MAN COUGHS.
GRIZZ
Hey, we’re live. Sir, where are you from?
SEATED MAN
I’m from here.
GRIZZ
Oh. That makes sense. Sir, do you like impressions?
SEATED MAN
No.
GRIZZ
Okay. Sir do you like imitations?
SEATED MAN
What’s the difference?
GRIZZ
I’m not sure. Perhaps you read the news today?
SEATED MAN
No.
GRIZZ
Well, maybe if I come down there and tickle you I’ll get you to laugh.
SEATED MAN
You better not.
GRIZZ
Oh man, tough crowd. Maybe Ice Bear will be more your style? And now, Ice Bear.
ICE BEAR WALKS ON TO THE STAGE.
ICE BEAR
Wow. One guy. Ice Bear picked the wrong night to change comedy forever.
SEATED MAN LAUGHS.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear is just hoping to make it out of this place alive.
SEATED MAN LAUGHS HARDER.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear is leaving. Good night.
ICE BEAR EXITS THE STAGE. SEATED MAN STANDS UP AND APPLAUDS.
GRIZZ
Hey, not bad for a first time Ice Bear.
ICE BEAR
Let’s go.
PANDA
Thank heavens.
GRIZZ
Okay. We’ll worry about the money later.
ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA EXIT BARELY LEGAL. GUY WALKS UP TO SEATED MAN.
GUY
Hey, where did those bears go?
SEATED GUY
I don’t know. But one of those bears was the goods!
GUY
Huh. Shame I missed it. Oh well.
END SCENE.
“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”
SCECNE 4: INT. BEAR CAVE LIVING ROOM
PANDA
It was a strip club?
ICE BEAR
Yes.
PANDA
Should we tell Grizz?
ICE BEAR
No.
PANDA
Okay.
ICE BEAR
Ice Bear is ashamed.
PANDA
Yeah, but at least it was only 3 PM at the strip club.
GRIZZ ENTERS.
GRIZZ
Guys! I just saw this amazing video. We need to start a band!
PANDA
Here we go again.
END OF SHOW.