Sometimes I'm serious.

SILLY ONE LINERS

Sometimes there’s no answer to a question, which makes for an unfair Jeopardy! clue. 

Delivering on a promise establishes trust, unless it’s a promise to lie.

Life is a journey, so take yours beyond Gary, Indiana.

Travel can broaden perspectives, but not if one never makes it outside of the hotel bar.

If there’s anyone who can create a better way of life out of Lego bits I’d love to see what they create.

Valleys may represent the low points of life, but the highest peaks have dangerously low oxygen content.

I’d be a bum forever if it just paid a little better.

Thugs aren’t my favorite people, but I admit they get results.

Politeness is common courtesy in some places and a way to get killed in others.

Poke fun at people who deserve it: Everyone.

Energy times mass for you equals one lazy fat person.

Refuse to take anything less intelligent than reality TV seriously.

I should’ve done more with my life, like watched more TV.

Many people are so lazy that they waste the equivalent of an entire workday sleeping.

Jilted lovers don’t make the best partners in competitive card games.    

Even the best babies contribute little to nothing to the global economy.

I’d love to know the truth about the universe and reality, but I don’t even get calculus.

The reason money is popular: It makes people do things they normally wouldn’t for you.

If you believe you know everything find the number of human languages and see how many you can speak fluently. 

Vent about problems to enemies because friends don’t need to hear about stupid crap.

Arguing with a fool is like playing shoots and ladders with a genius: Better things could be done with limited time.

Kaleidoscopes are amazing, yet many people devote less than 3 hours a day to them.

My advice: Add vice.

Since ogling is usually only referenced with perverts, is it possible to ogle something in a positive way?

One can fight who they are, but it results in some odd injuries.

Ohio: East enough to be arrogant, Midwest enough to be ignorant.

Yes men are fun to put in the middle of a messy divorce.

Fear isn’t usually good, but it’s okay to be afraid of machete wielding maniacs.

Lose your mind and the body tends to follow.

Fear is all I know, along with geography.

I feel sorry for poor people as long as they stay away from me.

Set your goals so low that it’s impossible to fail as long as you avoid pissing yourself.

Haunted houses are only filled with demons of ignorance.

Greek fraternities are rarely well-versed in Socrates.

Common sense should be renamed “only one in a million seems to have any clue sense.”

A biography is a simplification of another life from an outsiders perspective filled with collections of commonly accepted falsehoods. 

I may not have all the answers in life, but at least I’ve eliminated a few of the stupidest questions.

If they ever want to silence the conspiracy theorists they should make at least one more thoroughly documented trip to the moon.

The theater isn’t dead, except for plays about zombies.

Nothing can be done to earn a PHD in a day except turning in your thesis.

Dealing cards fairly too often results in an unfair game.

Only children tend to have fewer siblings than others.

I only got rich because I did well financially.

Part of the trouble of life is figuring out who is less full of shit than others.

If I get to pick how I rise to the top, I’d prefer to do it by plane instead of by years of struggle.

Life’s as long as anything that an individual will ever have and still probably way too short. 

Opening up to new people at a mixer is never advisable if you hang out with spies.

If I ever have a friend named Dom who’s unfairly sent to jail, start a campaign called Freedom to Free Dom.

Everyone makes mistakes, but people make them at much different ratios.

Potential murderers exist all around you, paranoid schizophrenic.

Transformers should have one who goes from a prick into a nice guy.

Question any doctor who tells you you’ll probably die within 100 years.

Supposedly larger than life people always die.

If life is just a party this one seems to have been broken up by the cops 200 years ago.

At least grow up at a faster rate than your kids.

A big head can be a swelled ego or a biological fact.

I’m interested in many things, but I don’t know if my interest will last more than 120 years.

I requested to live in a different universe, but I haven’t heard back.

Food is thrown away by people in our country while millions of rats don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

I’d do anything to avoid failure except try.

Music inspires some to keep living and others to plug their ears.

If loose lips sink ships every yacht preppy should stay in complete silence.

In the end we’re all going to die, so at least we have that much in common blind date.

Billionaires rarely participate in cage fighting.

Zero people ever get to Antarctica just by sitting on the couch.

Willpower can help people, but nothing compared to a rich relative’s will power.

We live on a huge planet and we still have many adults who choose to run like rats on treadmills.

Too many people refuse to do exactly what I tell them to do at all possible times.

Fight for what’s right: 90 degree angles.

Money can buy things much better than happiness.

Jail can take the Broadway musical out of a man.

Behave like an animal and you may scare others enough into bribing you to leave.

Cities are full of people who are bright enough to find ways to make a living but are dumb enough to live in crowded, stinking, ridiculously overpriced hell holes.

Performing surgery is much less stressful if people are already dead.

An optimist realizes AIDS epidemics should result in more successful results for AIDSdate.com.

Funny how a lack of success still gets to some individuals heads.

My position on gay rights: They deserve to live.

Shelter your kids and they grow up to be as deranged as you.

Responsibilities are best left to people who are better than human.

Little in life is easy, so if you find something that is, stick with it.

Passion can carry you to new heights of delusion.

Art can be a pristine artifact from an ancient culture or a “Where’s the beef?” poster.

Never forget where you came from unless that place sucks.

There’s nothing funny about illness, but many people find 3 Stooges types of injuries funny.

Violent rabies attacks may have a negative impact on job interviews.

 There’s nothing funny about a great deal of life, which makes most of existence part of a bad joke.

Life may be a gift, but it’s always an Indian gift.

Living courageously may help humanity evolve as a species, but it might ruin your bowling night.

The universe is big and you’re small, but that’s no reason to let that bully push us around.

Slavery is wrong, yet people continue to enslave adorable pets. 

I predict something vague may happen at some point in your life.

Mister is a title given far too easily to too many guys.

If sports were underwear they’d be boxer briefs.

Ex-husbands are the worst, except for maybe ex-children.

Physical comedy doesn’t often translate effectively on paper.

Middle class mentality: I don’t wish any specific harm to anyone, but I don’t believe I can personally offer much hope either.

The sum of human knowledge still falls short of all you can eat burritos for everyone.

Fools don’t take orders from bosses but have no problem taking them from a warden.

Listen to your conscience unless it sounds like country music.         

If songs influence actions maybe we should listen to something better than Britney Spears. 

Loving the best music in the world is tough, because it’s hard to find the time to listen to everything that has ever been made. 

The Beatles could have done just about anything at the height of their fame and they chose to do a movie about a Yellow Submarine.

Question all people who claim the end of rock n’ roll was Ace of Base.

Literary proof for evolution: The animal kingdom hasn’t produced even one talented writer.

King Kong was the first book that made a lot more sense as a movie. 

It’s odd that so many books exist in a world where it seems as if most of the world is illiterate.

I’d recommend great books to great people, but I can’t find many greats in either category.

It’s only a matter of time before the best seller list is dominated by old Playboys and Scratch N’ Sniff books.