Sometimes I'm serious.

SEX JOKES

You need a better sex life if your definition of a frustrating sexual relationship is one where she leaves you before you can get a good look at her through the binoculars. 

Some fundamentalists love God and hate sex.  This means they love their Creator, but hate its system of creation.       

Sex is almost always a great gift, but it’s still a bad idea for family Christmas gift exchanges.

Dating tip: The best way to get the attention of a woman is approaching her family with a gun.

A lazy erotic novelist may write “Where’s (your name)” and put your nude picture in a book.

Dating a girl who’s all ass and elbows is at least half good.

If everything I touched turned to gold, I’d be conflicted about masturbation.

AWKWARD: The first time you realize there's sexual tension between your daughter and your boss.

Anyone who thinks love is required to have sex would have an odd approach to picking up hookers.

Life is a mystery that never gets solved, but is frequently interrupted by masturbation.  Maybe just my life?

Dull anal sex should be called BANAL.

I fuck like a chair: I do nothing while others sit on me.

I can't imagine what it would take to resort to animal fucking, but I bet it's hard to stop once you've gone there.  How often do people give up regular people fucking once they start?

If we are all one, rape is just a strange form of masturbation.

I hope people who write about rape don't write what they know.

I believe the American dream is still alive.  It has become the dream to watch more porn in an apartment.

Successful fucking= FUCK-SESS

If I wrote what I knew I would be one of the leading world class experts on sexual rejection.

I fuck like a Popsicle.  I start fine but end up sticky and gross.

I don't love how I look.  This makes sense, since I’m not gay.

I hope The Secret doesn't work for rapists.

You're old when you realize the person you're masturbating to definitely wasn't alive when you started masturbating.

PLACES I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX- Everywhere in the universe where I’m not likely to die immediately.

One of the only areas of life where most people try to avoid learning from the most experienced professionals is with sex.

I don’t care for gods that send me to hell for following sexual instincts it supposedly gave me.

I tried to write a better book than The Bible.  I don't think I will sell more copies, but I think I have better dick jokes.

I'd rather have a DILF (daughter I'd like to fuck) than a MILF.  Every woman who's ever lived could be a DILF!  That gives me better numbers.

The hardest part of my life was either leaving the Christian faith or trying to break the world record for masturbation.

Is it honoring Dr. Martin Luther King on MLK day if I masturbate to porn featuring black chicks?

How much of a problem can PARENTS have with sex?

Most of my life I practiced safe sex.  So safe that I could only have caught STD's if I had an infected hand.

                                                                              
For many men, monogamy limits their options for sex partners.  For me it was a HUGE increase.

Before you attempt to succeed in business ask yourself this question "Is my product or service more important to enough people than the incredible amount of already available free pornography?"  If the answer is yes, you have a winner!

Every time I believe I have created a wonderful piece of music, writing, or art I try to remember that what I have created almost assuredly means less to the world than a decent bit of porn.

I try to learn something new every day.  It almost always ends up being about pornography.

If I have ambition I might do more than jerk off, watch TV, drink beer, and sleep over and over again.  If I have success, I'll return to jerking off, watching TV, drinking beer, and sleeping as often as I can.

I failed for years to get laid.  Those were desperate years, ages 0-5.

It’s weird when you realize you want to fuck hot women from old TV and movies who are now dead.

I want to be a great lover.  I settle for being a decent masturbator.

I need to do better at life if I'm going to be remembered by anyone who I didn't fuck.

I'm a sucker for the classics when it comes to blow jobs.

I used to think I’d change the world.  I now believe it's unlikely I’ll change anything more important than local nudity laws.

If parents are worried about teen pregnancy they should force their kids to be gay.

I may be a sexual pioneer or just a run of the mill pervert with delusions of grandeur.

I want to experience the finest movies in the universe.  I have come to believe these are the comedies that make me laugh hardest and the pornos that make me cum fastest.

Having a functional brain and penis puts me WAY AHEAD of those who don’t.

I will only have sex if I have a willing adult partner.  That's my commitment to sexual morality!

I might create great art or bullshit, depending on how you feel about dick jokes.

I hope I can have sex with any woman I want any time.  If not, I hope I can at least find one woman who will occasionally have sex with me.  If not, I hope I can find a fine place to masturbate.  If not, I hope I can jerk off without getting caught.

The WORST excuses come from rapists.

I take life about as seriously as most teenagers in a sex comedy do.       

The Nashville Predators hockey team better pray none of their players ever becomes a REAL sex offender.

A perfect 10 is so hot that you'll jerk off to her even when she's wearing clothes.

I plan to enjoy sex as long as I have a partner better looking than my hands.

SEX DREAM

I hope I can have sex whenever I want with whoever I want.

MORE REALISTIC DREAM

I will probably have sex with at least one attractive person again.

EVEN MORE REALISTIC DREAM

I hope to have sex again with anyone before I have to die.

DESPERATE HOPE FACING CRUEL REALITY

There's at least a chance I'll have sex before I have to die?

REALISTIC COMPROMISE WITH THE UNIVERSE

I hope I can at least masturbate before I have to die.

I spent a great deal of the prime of my life trying to write well for the good of a species that would rather jerk off, watch TV, and sleep than bother to read the words of the supposed eternal all mighty God of the universe.  If people are uninterested in the words of GOD, I doubt it was sensible to expect a lot of humans to care about my dick jokes.