Sometimes I'm serious.

SCIENCE COMEDY

MY BEST SCIENCE PAPER- Everything in science is too complicated. Thanks.

I appreciate science as long as it is more likely to keep me alive than kill me.

I hope science saves my sorry ass, or at least makes life a bit less miserable for me and others who can afford what they create.

Science can't save you, but can prolong your misery.

Science figured out how to see galaxies away, but can’t tell me what the smell in my apartment is.

My new branch of science: At least it's better than creationism!

I’m glad I learned a few facts about science before I realized I was more likely to take a shit on the president than make a valuable contribution to science.

My contribution to science: I am not actively supporting any insane dictators creating weapons of mass destruction.

It’s no coincidence that scientific research always proves the “need” for more scientific research.

Science should make people grateful, unless it led to the direct maiming or worse of loved ones.

HADRON COLLIDER ACTION HERO CHEESY LINES

In 2008, I began an ill-fated attempt to write a fictitious script about the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, near the French border. Fortunately, it produced my life’s contribution to the field of science! My contribution is some goofy lines it’d be funny to hear a Bruce Willis-esque hero say while dealing with fictional terrorists trying to seize the Collider.

“You have a date with a collider! My fist!”

“You’re on a collision course, to hell!”

“You Swiss just stay home again while I fight.”

“The UN has less authority than my dog’s turds!”

“If I get mad, I’ll show you atomic energy!”

“I hate it when scum try to destroy the world!”

“I’ll handle it from here, lab boys.”

“You science ladies step aside; it’s time for a real man to work.”

“I can’t frigging stop saving the world!”

“I don’t need a badge to protect the asses of humanity!”

“You’ve seen one atomic collider, you’ve seen em’ all.”

“French army? I don’t want any help from losers!”