Sometimes I'm serious.

NEWS JOKES

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in the South Carolina primaries by a whopping margin.  This historical event marks the first time such a large group of white Southerners were this excited about a black man beating a white woman.

Oliver Stone’s next movie project is planned to be a bio-pic about George W.Bush.  The working title is Natural Born Platoon Killer.

Lindsey Lohan is busy writing her memoirs after several stints in rehab.  After all, everyone knows that financially successful people in their early twenties have the most insight about life.

Critics are accusing Bill Clinton of injecting race as an issue in the Democratic campaign.  Bill states that race has nothing to do with his controversial stance of hoes before bros.

Barack Obama has taken heat for skipping the State of the Black Union meeting Hillary Clinton made it a point to attend.  In a clever twist, Obama instead decided to attend the State of the Union of Patronizing White Chicks. 

Angelina Jolie has been accused of placing her unborn babies into a dangerous war zone.  Just after returning from Iraq, she was shocked to find so many people were angry with her for daring to go to Detroit.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad shocked the world after he called long time enemy neighbor Iraq 'brotherly' when visiting the nation last week.  He failed to mention he had his own brother killed for borrowing his Led Zeppelin records.

The Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Records, saying the label illegally used their name to hurt the band's credibility with fans.  They are especially upset about advertising in Japan with translations rendering them Shameful Destroyed Holiday Fruits.

The principal of Naperville Central High School admitted to plagiarizing a speech.  The principal drew immediate suspicion when opening his speech with “Holla at ya’ boy Kanye West yall!”

US military suicides are currently at a twenty year high.  The military has pledged to quit enlisting Goths.

The movie Hancock has been accused of containing homophobic dialogue.  Star of the movie, Will Smith, commented, “I couldn’t support anything anti-gay!  I was a pioneer for gay rights when I agreed to publicly perform the Carlton dance.”   

A Michigan man is suing two Bible publishers due to biblical anti-homosexuality passages causing him “emotional pain and mental instability.”  He is demanding that the publishers omit negative passages about Sodom, Gomorrah, and the Detroit Dick Shack.     

A Nevada man is facing excommunication from the Mormon Church due to releasing a shirtless calendar of Mormon missionaries.  The church is angered by the title of the calendar “Goddie’s naughty hotties.”           

Last week, Barack Obama vowed to encourage Jewish-Arab peace.  Barack also vowed to help resolve the conflict between Arab oil and Israeli tap water.

Last Sunday, an Indiana pastor broke his wrist while using a dirt bike as a prop during a service.  The title of his sermon, “Unlike me, Jesus wasn’t a dumbass.”

Iran announced that it will allow women to attend soccer matches in public.  Women are urged to dress conservatively, as the “stone er’ for a boner rule” still counts. 

National statistics show a record number of Americans are now receiving unemployment benefits.  Experts also speculate an all-time high for the GMP, or Gross Masturbation Product.            

Elin Woods, wife of Tiger, recently gave birth to their second child.  The new baby’s name is being picked by his mother, as she was disappointed with Tiger’s choice of naming their first child Drink Pepsi, Wear Nike, Use Colgate, Eat Wendy’s Woods.

According to the Gallop poll, McCain and Obama are closer than ever in the presidential race.  Obama is putting all his hopes on his obvious advantage: The swimsuit competition.

President Bush made a speech indicating that he had made some mistakes during his presidency.  Bush commented, “Yeah, I regret that I didn’t take more advantage of the wonderful bowling alley in the White House.  Oh, and to anyone who knew someone in public schools, a retirement home, the military, college, the gay rights movement, the workplace, Guantanamo Bay, Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, or 9/11, my bad.”