Sometimes I'm serious.

Needs

Oxygen, food, clothing, and shelter are needed to survive.  I don't have many profound writings about oxygen.  I've got a few jokes about other needs:

FOOD JOKES

Food fights rarely happen with communion wafers/transubstantiation crackers.

Veal is probably a popular dish among child rapists.

Just because you live in a nation of privilege doesn’t mean you have to show edible proof.

Solution to world hunger problems: Teach poor people about blow jobs and anal sex.

Zero bars are called that because they’re the favorite candy bar of zero people. 

Most people stop trying to figure out who they are once they get hungry.

Whale should be eaten at more competitive contests, because it’d be harder to run out.

I would abandon every principle I ever had just to have a sandwich after a day of having none.

I had to cut back on food before my ass got bigger than my ego.

My diet lets me eat anything I want if it makes my doctor gasp.

Lemons are the worst thing regularly put in pies.  It’s sour!  You ever have chocolate or pecan?  They’re actually good.  If you’re going to eat unhealthy pie anyway, pass on lemon pie.

Rich people prove they’re better than others by flaunting fine possessions, like the GRAND stuffed burrito from Taco Bell.

I had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I had my way with it for a few minutes at a time, then neglected it, only to cheat on it with even more appealing grub over and over again.

CLOTHES JOKES

I only change clothes to keep up appearances.

My fashion statement: I hope I don't get arrested for indecent exposure today.

CLOTHING is for people who are ashamed of what they are.  I hope most of you have a LOT of shame.

Socks should never cost more than what I had for dinner.

I dress for the job I want.  That's why I look unemployed.

I stripped from the waist down and all I got is this lousy t-shirt.

I'd rather people think I was homeless than go clothes shopping.

SHELTER JOKES

I plan to stay home until the universe offers me something better than my fridge, couch, and bed.

Saving for a rainy day is wise for people who live in cardboard homes.                   

I hope I die in an apartment instead of a house, because no one will fight over my apartment.