Sometimes I'm serious.

DEATH COMEDY JAM

Complaining isn’t smart in certain contexts.  Don’t bitch about an itch at a funeral.

Life is a game.  We all eventually lose BADLY.

Death is a part of life like sophistication is a part of county fairs.

Death is a part of life like Leave it to Beaver is a part of Shakespeare.

Quit doing nothing.  You’ll have plenty of time for that after death.

Graveyards are a waste of space on people who fail to appreciate them.

Don’t die forgotten: Make sure you take a news anchor out with you.

Challenging the wisdom of ancient ideas is wise, since all ancient people died.

Death is inevitable, but it almost always surprises lots of people when rock stars die young.  Why?  If you take a bunch of insane risks, do a lot of drugs, and live wildly, the odds of dying early are high.  If you wave your middle finger at the universe enough times, you’re bound to lose eventually.

Many people believe they’ll be remembered after death when they’re barely thought about now.

Spending time with certain people may be worse than eternal death.

Look at the bright side: You might get a nicer tombstone than losers.

Love life like a wife, but know that it has even higher odds of leaving you.

Death isn’t often funny, but what about a dog that gets hit by a PETA van?

I was morose until people I hated died.

If I'm not careful I'll die before others think I'm overrated.

MY SCORECARD

PAST- NOT ALIVE YET, THEN SURVIVED

PRESENT- ALIVE

FUTURE- NOT HERE YET, BUT IT WILL END UP KILLING ME

I’ll never be the same after Jason died.  He still has my Seinfeld DVD's.  Damn, what a loss!      

We're all victims of the cruel universe.  Some manage to postpone execution.

I will try not to die too soon.  I want to get my permanent non-existence just right!

I plan to die, but it's a shit plan.

If I'm careful, I'll die. If I'm not careful, I'll die.  You get my point?

I tried to make the best of a horrible situation: Being born mortal.

My only plan for life is trying not to die.

I'm not sure what the age is when death is better than life, but I’m approaching it too fast.

My ancestors were losers.  That's why they're all dead.

How cruel to reward one who commits suicide with an afterlife!

I don't have to deal with anything too difficult, except survival.

I am just another pathetic mortal failing to stay alive as well and as long as I'd like.

Why do I allow myself to get nervous about anything considering how short my life is and how long I'm going to be dead?

I tried to find where I belonged.  I found that the universe is merely a rather temporary layaway bin.

I’m destined to die no matter what I do.  Maybe I shouldn't take a job performance review seriously?

In the short-term, I'm good unless I do something that leads to instant death.  In the long-term, I'm completely fucked forever no matter what I do.  Which one do you think I should focus on?

The wages of life are ultimately pain and death.  Youth can be a nice layaway plan.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but it appears likely that I will have a lot of suffering, brief moments of joy, and eternal death.

I'd be more hopeful if I didn't believe we all end up dead.

I only support lost causes.  I don't have a choice as a member of a mortal species.

HUMANITY: We're all equally clueless and make various degrees of poor choices before dying forever no matter what we choose.

I might die without fulfilling my most unrealistic dreams.